Camping. It’s something Jeff’s brought up many times and I’ve quickly shut it back down.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy camping, in fact I grew up going camping. It was that I was anxious that something would happen to Patrick.
Despite my anxiety Jeff continued to purchase camping gear. Everything from a roof top camping tent to a camping toilet. Until eventually he convinced me to give it a try.
So here’s how to camp like an Ey:
Plan to camp for two nights Thursday and Friday. On the Wednesday when your house is a bomb site still and nothing is organised your husband will announce at lunch time he’s booked you in to a campsite on the way to your actual destination that night.
Run around like a headless chook trying to organise everything and every one while he organises all the ‘manly’ stuff outside.
Realise you do not have fish blocks and over feed your fish in hopes they will still be alive Saturday.
Everyone is out the door by 4pm for a 45min drive to the campgrounds that close at 5pm, phew. Feeling glad you packed 2 bottles of wine.
Get to camp site on time. Unpack and set up in a spot away from most people in case Patrick decides to start being super noisy. Realise campsite is made up entirely of dirt and you and your family are literally covered in it. Feeling super glad you brought that new deck chair with built in wine glass holder.
Patrick’s in bed quietly by 7:30, thanks to phenergan, a lack of fine motor skills required to manage a zip, and a rickety ladder to get in and out of his tent, you can relax. Enjoying sitting in your new chair drinking wine, watching older kids use their metal detector and hunt for bugs and animals with their torches. Camping is not so bad!
Bed time, the two boys have their own tiny tent that somehow is fitting them both and the two dogs. Jeff and I are sharing with pat tonight. Soon fall asleep from sheer exhaustion of packing.
Wake up about 2am busting for the loo, probably from all the wine…. try to quietly climb down rickety ladder to use the loo. Get to the bottom and hear footsteps then what sounds like running. Freeze in fear thinking there is a sex pest outside your tent, then realise with more fear that you are so dirty and haggard, after just one nights camping you have frightened away a sex pest. Jeff calls out from the tent ‘did you see that big kangaroo?’ Phew! No you didn’t because you forgot to put your glasses on.
Back to bed and doze off again until 4am when a group of kookaburras begin laughing, probably remembering your run in earlier with the
sex pest kangaroo. You remember thinking how blissful nature was until this point.
At about 5am the sun is up and the kookaburras have gone quiet. You close your eyes finally about to drift off when you’re awoken by the sounds of water skiers.
Don’t get me wrong water skiing is a fun activity and I grew up doing it, but at 5am? And if you are going to ski at 5am at least be good at it!
We pack up and head out of camp to find coffee, note self next trip buy a camping kettle!!
We are on our way to our next camp site. This time it’s a friends block and no one else is there so we are certain to have peace and quiet and Patrick can be noisy as he likes!
We stop half way for lunch and it takes me ages to find a gluten free takeaway option, which bothers my family greatly. Like they think I also love it. I’m the hungriest person I know. Feeling glad I only drank one bottle of wine last night so I have one for tonight.
We get to our camp and it’s beautiful. My $12 totem tennis purchase that every one questioned is set up and turns out to be a super fun activity around camp. We have set up our full tent tonight so no ladders for me.
Your kids have taken over the Bluetooth speaker and are listening to a song chicken & duck by the pentagonal diagnonals. This song makes zero sense and is now embedded in your brain for all of eternity. Hurrah, it’s wine time!
Awoken again by
sex pest kangaroo in early hours of the morning, is he stalking me?! It is however a much better nights sleep.
We leave camp and explore (spend the day looking for gluten free meal options) in town. Have a picnic at the river mouth, take in some scenery and feed a billion seagulls.
Purchase another two bottles of wine before heading back to campsite.
Drink enough to fall into a coma and sleep all night, bliss. Until you need to get up and pack your camp in the blistering sun. Bright side have sweated out any hangover that may have occurred!
Finally on our way home. Where I can look forward to a hot shower, fifty billion loads of laundry and hopefully two very alive fish.
Damn it have run completely out of wine,
P.S we came home to two very alive fish in a very dirty tank. Have stocked up on fish blocks for next time Jeff has a spur of the moment idea!