I haven’t blogged for awhile, for two reasons. One I have barely had any time to sit down and two I really want this blog to be a positive space but right now I don’t feel so positive.
I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Patrick’s not sleeping properly. He wakes around 2am and screams until I either go and lay with him or get up for the day. He also is putting up a fight at bed time. He’s not falling asleep until around 10pm. He rips all his clothes out of his cupboards, he screams, bangs on the doors and window and has started smearing his poo again. We dress him in a body suit that snaps between the legs and a onesie but he’s been ripping holes in his clothes lately.
He’s been refusing to walk anywhere. So I either have carry him or keep picking him up off the ground and dragging him along as he flops dead weight down on the pavement.
The only thing keeping him happy at home is buckets of soapy water outside, even still he gets upset at those and will scream and cry. He will also bite, hit, kick and head butt us.
We try our best to work out what he wants but he either doesn’t know or can’t say.
I thought as he got older things would get easier, like with my older two boys but it hasn’t. It’s gotten a lot harder and I feel like a bit of a failure and a fraud.
People say I’m such a good mum. I don’t feel like that at all. This morning Patrick has been having non stop meltdowns. I’m over it. I don’t like him much right now at all. I feel like he’s taking everything we have and then some. Our whole family and life revolves around keeping one child happy. It’s not fair on my other two kids or my marriage.
We are starting respite soon which will be 3 hours a week and I’m hoping even a small break will help us all,