Scared to death.

I have previously talked of having anxiety. A lot of my anxiety is over my own death. I am literally terrified of dying. I think about it every day. It keeps me awake at night. It is the one thing that scares me the most and it does have an impact on my every day life.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety, I was also diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies and major control issues. These three together are what gives me my extreme fear of death. “If I die I won’t be here to make sure my family is doing everything exactly how I want it”.

I also obsess over how it will happen and this is what affects my life the most. I don’t go out of my house at night. If there’s rubbish that needs to go in the outside bin, it’s placed in the garage until morning.

I can’t tell you the last time I went late night shopping but it would be a good 4 years ago. I’m terrified of being murdered in the parking lot.

I do not do well with flying, in fact I can become so anxious on take off and landings that I’ve made my self vomit.  I would never dream of doing bungee jumping or sky diving and can not fathom the idea of why anyone does these things at all.

I usually think about my own death around two to three times a day. Every day. On a bad day I won’t be able to sleep from worrying about it and I’ll get myself worked up to a point of crying and feeling physically sick knowing that one day I will have to die.

For me personally OCD is not about having a clean house, everything matching and straight tiles.

It’s knowing that a kitchen cupboard may have been left open and the thought of that makes me physically sick. I can’t sleep or leave my house if any drawer or cupboard is open.

It’s driving around the block twice because you can’t remember if you shut your garage, even though you’ve never left it open before.

It’s time, I’m obsessed with time. I hate being late, actually if I’m even five minutes late which often happens going somewhere with Jeff, you can bet I’ve shed tears over it. I eat at exactly the same times every day to the clock. I plan every day around the times I need to do things. I can not stand not knowing what the time is, it makes me very panicked. I’ve had to go home from places before because I forgot my watch and phone and couldn’t see the time.

I have a real issue with washing clothes, no clothes are worn two days in a row in my house. Once it’s worn it’s washed. It makes me feel physically sick thinking about wearing the same thing again the next day, even if it’s clean or only been worn a few hours I can not bring myself to re-wear.

Just thinking about all of this and writing it makes me feel uncomfortable and sweaty. There’s no logic behind any of the things I stress about but for me it’s real. I’m slowly getting better at letting go but something’s I just can’t do and maybe never will be able to.

I get very frustrated when routine is broken or things aren’t done MY WAY! I am a nightmare and sometimes I don’t know how Jeff puts up with it all really.

Jeff and I spoke about my fear of dying and he asked me if it is because there is still something I want to do with my life before my time is up….

My reply was “I don’t want to die with out hearing Patrick’s 1st word”.

Jess 💙

2 thoughts on “Scared to death.”

  1. Very courageous post. You are very brave for writing so openly and honestly about your struggles with anxiety and OCD. I can’t imagine how difficult it is, but having a good support system is key, as is finding small things that are self soothing and can lessen the anxiety in the moment, even if it’s just a little bit. Wish you all the best – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

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