I have anxiety. I guess having a lot on my plate with the kids was bound to affect my own mental health in a few ways. I usually find I can keep it under control but some days it gets the better of me.
Yesterday the whole family went into the city to look through some car yards. I only have a little car and we’ve been wanting to upsize it. We’ve been debating about what car to get how much to spend ect for about a year now. This drives me crazy. I like to have a plan and stick to it.
As we drive into the city we are headed to a suburb I’m not super familiar with. this is basically all it takes for my anxiety to kick off.
We need to go to office works to collect something for Jeff. The kids are excited as they want to look at the computers. Patrick is picking up on the excitement and bouncing in his pram making lots of interesting noises. I notice a few sideways glances from strangers and anxiety takes over.
Its like every noise is ten times louder and it almost physically hurts to hear my kids talking. My heart races so fast. I feel panicked but I don’t know why exactly. All my muscles tense as if anticipating disaster. I feel short of breath. I am on the verge of tears. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and will start to rub or scratch at my self. I can’t regulate these feelings and they can last for hours. Once I start this panicked chain of thought it just snowballs.
We go to the car yards and can not agree on a car. I start panicking about this. We don’t have a plan. I need a plan. I can’t calm down with out a clear plan of what we are looking for or doing.
Perfectly timed, Campbell needs the toilet. If you’ve read my earlier blogs Campbell has huge issues with public toilets. This sends me into full anxiety. I can barely think. I’m panicking now that we won’t find a toilet. Of course we do and all is fine but we drove around for ten minutes to find one which felt like ten hours in my mind.
Meanwhile Campbell was cool as a cucumber not bothered and easily went to the toilet when we found one.
I feel silly because all it takes some days is a look from someone or a last minute change of plans to give me a panic attack. Usually I can manage my anxiety with regular exercise. I find it really helps clear my mind. Recently though I’ve been ill and unable to exercise. I am looking forward to fixing this issue with surgery next month.
Luckily all the kids had a great day yesterday and loved looking at all the cars.
Oh and Jeff and I finally agreed on one and made a plan.
Happy Jess again 🙂